omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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