im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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