I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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