Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
