He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
