no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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