my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
