I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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