I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
