that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize