This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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