Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You made out with two different species that night
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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