Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
