i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
