We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
