My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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