Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
