Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
