Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I think a kid would responsible me up
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
