Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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