her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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