So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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