Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
