Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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