My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
