Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
