If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
