It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
