I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
