Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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