Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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