I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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