If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
