My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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