he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
