Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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