Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
