I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
