I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
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