I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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