I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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