my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
