tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize