Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
