After last night, I could never be a politician.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize