This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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