He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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