If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
