All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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