I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
