rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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