You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
