just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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