he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
