I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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