I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize