so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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