Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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