when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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