I CAN MOONWALK!
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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