so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
