Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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