new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
