You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
